Life on the rank still goes on even though we are told every night about the ‘credit crunch’ and ‘recession’. Halloween has just gone and that was a night to behold!
Our little town is getting famous for it’s fancy dress culture and Halloween was awash with costumed people doing what drunken costumed people do best ….. think that they are for real. Superman (what’s he got to do with Halloween??) tried flying and I even saw one try to lift a car while Batman and Supergirl stood laughing …..you had to be there I suppose. I can only assume that these superhero costumes were all that was left in the shop after all the Witches, Ghouls and other appropriate costumes were gone!!
Have you ever watched a drunken Vampire and his none to sober Zombie friend try to vault a full sized pillar box? No? Well you should if you get the chance as it is a wondrous act of stupidity that only the living dead would try.
First comes the run up which consists of about 4 paces and a stupendous leap of about 1 foot only to crash head long into a very tall red metal wall with a letter box slot that has a very hard metal ‘peak’ at head height when you are bent over trying to be an Olympic gold medallist. The pain does not quite register yet owing to having blood in your alcohol stream so the new plan is to have a far greater run up so as the momentum will hurl you over the obstacle that now has to be defeated as it is keeping you away from the next drink.
Enter friend Zombie who has worked this out to precision and is now running at full speed from about 2 miles away, struggling to keep on a collision course with the pillar box and is slowing rapidly from exhaustion. The final jump is a waste of time. Although the hands are placed correctly on the pillar box for a perfect vault, the rest of the Zombie body does not respond well to gymnastics and the expected body slam happens almost instantaneously as the jump only managed to raise the body inches instead of feet.
Now surely a Vampire, with his bat-like ancestry can do better ….. not a bloody chance! Taking a long run and looking more like Mr Wobble About than Count Dracula, Mr Vampire propels himself at the pillar box, places his hands in the required position and thrusts himself airborne. Too bad the ‘jump’ was not as high as necessary to clear this red metal foe. With legs spread in the faint hope of mastering the vault, each leg went around the pillar box but the reproductive organs never stood a chance.
Smashing ones genitals against a solid metal object only has one outcome…watery eyes!!
This time the pain threshold was easily reached and with a loud moan the Vampire was defeated. Lying in a heap at the bottom of the pillar box and holding his crotch, phrases that were never uttered at Van Helsing could be heard above the shout of “Encore, Encore” from the taxi rank. Mr Zombie helped Mr Vampire to his feet and off they staggered to get another pint of anaesthetic.
Who needs a cross, garlic and wooden stake when a simple red pillar box works just as well??
…..still can’t work out the superman thing in relation to Halloween!
The night progressed and proved to be quite busy which means more fools appear. I’m sure Scotty beams them down from their own little planets. It must be wonderful to have your own little world, full of inebriated dickheads to play with.
There were lots of Witches (not unusual) and lots of Grim Reapers and Devils with a spattering of Pirates and Buccaneers (not too sure about these) but best of all were …… Mr Overalls. Now I’m not a great fancy dress man myself but even I can’t work out how this constitutes fancy dress!! By just wearing a pair of overalls?? Come on! Men go to work all the time in overalls so how does this suddenly become fancy dress? They must have pondered the dress code for hours to come up with that costume!! Nearly as long as the one who just wore normal clothes and for costume put on a hat. Very imaginative!! Maybe he was feeling the credit crunch!
Thinking of credit crunch and recession …. one of our night clubs closed it’s doors for the last time. It had been going at least 35 years but slowly went downhill. They say if you were at least 14 you could go clubbing there so maybe it’s for the best. The days of young girls, padded bra’s and fake ID are coming to an end as the new licensing laws and door staff make it a lot harder. I saw two young girls being turned away from one pub and the doorman radioed the others with a description so they wouldn’t get in anywhere.
To finish the night off we had the usual fight, police, handcuffs and a night in the cells for at least 3 of our towns wonderful offspring …. one being a female. This involved the usual drunken friendly discussion between partners which quickly evolved into the girl going absolutely berserk and hammering the bloke she was with. Another even more stupefied ‘friend’ tried to calm things down and ended up the bad guy. He now had two ‘friends’ raining blows and kicks on him until good old Mr Plod intervened and all three then sided against Mr Plod …. not the best of ideas as he always has his own ‘friends’ to help him out …. AND they carry big metal sticks!! Needless to say what happened next! I’m sure waking up in a strange bedroom that has bars makes for a good laugh and worth the good night out with ‘friends’.
Best costume of the night? Tall, slim, attractive, long legged, black boots all done up as a black cat. Well, we have to have some perks sometime!!!
…… Still trying to work out the superman thing…… nope! …. still don’t get it!!
