Another Saturday Night comes and goes with the usual ‘Taxi Rank Cabaret’.It was a busy night as it was ‘pay weekend’ and the usual clubbers were out in force with not a care in the world. It was -2 degrees C and raining but still they came in their t-shirts and mini skirts, bare midriff and backless and complained that it was cold. Not a lot of sense there to start with so what hope is there for them when they’ve had a few??
First few fares were ‘normal’ people having been out for a meal and wanting home and bed rather than a night club especially as the queue took at least 30min to get in. What joy to stand in line in the cold rain for half an hour to freeze your ass off for the pleasure of more expensive drinks in an overcrowded room for £5. Maybe it’s me! Have I been missing the ultimate pleasure in life?
At about 11.00pm I saw a bloke on crutches heading for the pub. At 1.00am he was heading for the club but with a little more difficulty. At 3.00am he was trying to get to the taxi rank with NO crutches ….. now that’s what I call dedication!! Broken ankle or not he was clubbing if it killed him …. which it just might. After many visits to ground level he was eventually helped by two very drunk men who could barely walk themselves and the trio staggered, stumbled and fell their way to the nearest taxi. Why no crutches? Well it turned out he got stroppy in the club with another bloke and threw his crutches on the floor and invited the bloke to “Come on…lets see what you’ve got” The other bloke, being of sound mind and body, just picked up the crutches and said “What I’ve got is your crutches” and left him standing on one leg …. difficult to have a good punch-up on one leg. I’m told everyone just laughed and left him to it. God knows where his crutches ended up!!
Who needs Crutches?
I have this image in my mind of the Monty Python sword fight, in the Holy Grail, where the Black Knight had his arms and legs cut off and still wanted to fight!
There were the usual fights and the usual arrests which is ridiculous for a small town population of 36,000. Mind you, having 14 town centre pubs and 2 clubs probably doesn’t help matters!!
Still, I can’t complain as I had a £20 fare to the police cells with one 40 year old (it was his birthday night out) as he wanted to tell the police what he thought of them for arresting his mate just because he got abusive with a policeman and grabbed his jacket!! He wanted me to wait for him but I couldn’t see him coming out again as he was all fired up, drunk and stroppy so I just took the single fare. I have the feeling he might have joined his mate for the night!!
Moving on to when the clubs unleash the animals, having fed them booze until their lonely brain cell commits suicide, we had the usual arguments over who’s taxi was who’s. Don’t they understand that it is actually MY taxi!!
I have simple to understand rules.
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If you can’t walk unaided to my taxi DO NOT expect to get in.
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I will not take responsibility for you getting home as I will not carry you out of my taxi if you can not walk.
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Face up to the consequences of your own stupidity.
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Pay the fare and go home
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Two men carrying an unconscious girl approached my taxi and wanted me to “Take her home” then proceeded to pour her onto the back seat. They were not going with her as she was ‘only a friend’ ….. some friends they were ….
“Sorry, I will not take her in that state”
“What do you mean?”
“Simply that I do not want her in my taxi”
“You have to take her .. how else will she get home?”
“She should have thought of that BEFORE she drank herself into oblivion …I will not take her so please remove her from the back seat”
“You have to …. it’s the law!”
“It aint my law … I won’t take her. If she is sick in the taxi it means I can’t work any more tonight … are you willing to make up my money?”
“Your just being an awkward ba***rd …. we’ll pay you up front now”
“O K Give me £150 cash up front and I’ll take her. If she is sick I keep the lot, if she gets out at her house I’ll give her the change but if she stays unconscious I’ll keep the meter running till the money runs out then dump her”
All the while this female bag of jelly is oblivious to life.
“Your being a right fu**ing bas***d”
“Correct! Just take her out of the taxi so as I can do some work”
“And what if we don’t?”
At this point I gave up the argument and called over the two policemen standing opposite.
“Would you please ask these two men to remove their drunken baggage from my taxi?”
“Aren’t you willing to take her?” they ask ….. sort of dumb question.
“Not in that state as she is liable to throw up”
“Fair enough” they say “Now gents, would you kindly remove your friend from the taxi as this driver is refusing to take her?”
With much mumbling they eventually get the jelly out of the back seat who then proceeds to vomit all down her front.
“I hate to say ‘I told you so’ but I TOLD YOU SO”
Needless to say all the other drivers refused her as she was a multi-coloured mess and I last saw her being carried over to the park benches where she lay. I don’t know if they left her or not.
I wish people would realise that we taxi drivers do not want to end up responsible for a drunken stranger and also that the risk of being accused of some inappropriate conduct is high when a young scantly clad girl is involved. Also, when she was sick it just ran from her mouth and not with the usual gusto. If she had been lying on her back in my cab she would have choked.
Getting the fare from a drunk is hard enough but getting paid from a dead body is impossible!!! That would really have made my night.
Finished the night at about 04.00 when the streets were empty of the undead and left to the humans again.
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