As a taxi driver don’t you just love them? They just do not understand the simple word “NO”. Last night I had the inevitable drunken night clubber wanting to go home at 03.00 but he had spent most of his money and needed a cheap ride.
“I’ve only got £5 left, will that get me to (insert place)?”
“No, that will only get you half way.”
“Will you take me for the £5 cash?”
“No, that will only get you half way”
“But I’ve only got £5 so how am I supposed to get home?”
“That is not my problem, £5 will only get you half way.”
Now the sad story – - – “But I need to get home because my Mum is in bed and not well, don’t you have any sympathy?”
Of course his Mum is in bed…..it’s three o’clock in the bloody morning!!!
“Sorry about your Mum but shouldn’t you have thought of her before you went drinking?”
Now Mr Nasty arises – - – “You F***ing B***ard, do you expect me to sleep on a bench?”
Now my ‘Mr Cheesed Off’ arises – - – “I really don’t care where you sleep, I won’t take you home now for £50 let alone £5 so please try another taxi. I’m not interested.”
“But I need to get home, what am I supposed to do now?”
“Let me see now. You could walk, jog, wait for a bus, steal a car, no end of ways but you are NOT riding in this taxi. Would you please go as you are loosing me fares.”
“F***ing Robbing B****rds the lot of you, it don’t cost you anyway near £5 to get to my house. You robbing B****rds make a fortune stealing from the likes of me!”
“As you only want to pay £5, I can’t see how we make a fortune from the likes of you”
“Are you going to take me home for £5 or not?”
“Not”
“What do you mean?”
“It is quite simple so I’ll say it slowly… I… WILL…. NOT…. TAKE… YOU…. HOME… FOR… £5. Do you get it now?”
“So you won’t take me home for only £5 then, how cheap will you do it for?”
“I won’t do it for less than the meter price which is what I quoted earlier AND I would like the money up front.”
“Up front? Why up front? Do I look like a runner?”
“ I don’t know what a runner looks like as I only see them from behind, besides which you said you only have £5.”
“That’s all I got”
“Now we’re back where we started. £5 will only get you half way.”
“Well then, I’ll try another taxi and you can F**k Off”
“Thank you…I’ve been trying to for the last five minutes”
And so he goes on his way at last to start all over again with the next taxi.
The excuses we hear are endless. Mother is ill, wife is ill, having a baby, babysitter needs to go home, husband needs help with the children, they never seem to realise that going out in the first place means they have to get home later. Why not just put the fare home in a separate place from the drinking money and they wouldn’t have a problem!! Most clubbers know exactly what it costs in a taxi to their home so why all the crap every time…pay up and go home…not rocket science!!
FARE PRICES ARE SET BY THE LOCAL AUTHORITY NOT THE DRIVERS
All clubbers like to try for a cheap fare home BUT THEY NEVER argue with the barman over the price of their drink.
Spend a fortune on alcohol and expect a subsidised fare home???
ONLY WHEN IT SAYS D.S.S. ON THE SIDE OF MY TAXI!!
Another favourite of mine is the ‘Slurring Drunk’
“Takeme to Slobidob drob” (all one word)
“I’m sorry, where did you say?”
“Slobidob Drob”
“Sorry, I still can’t understand”
“Slobidob Drob….don’t youknow Slobidob Drob”
“Where abouts is that? What road is it off?
“SLOBIDOB DROB…SLOBIDOB DROB…..itsh off Melshticsh Rod”
“I’m still not getting it. I can’t understand you”
“Dnt you shpeak Englishh then…SLOBIDOB DROB”
“I’m sorry but I don’t know where you mean. Would you like to try another taxi?”
“F***ing foreigners that can’t shpek englisch shhodn’t dribe a bloody taxshi in the firshst plashe…can’t undershtand plain englicshe …..I’ll get shum one who shpeaks proper”
At this point I refrain from telling him that I am born and bred British as are all my ancestors as far back as I can trace.(In fact one of my ancestors was a Lord Lieutenant of Northern Ireland but that’s another story!)
Who needs television when you can sample real life like this? Oh joy!! David Attenborough ….. eat your heart out!! Sitting among a band of gorillas is TAME. Try a Saturday Night’s Clubbing if you want real wildlife on your programs.
At least with my Internet Affiliate Marketing I can reduce the amount of Gorillas I have to put up with!!
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