Resplendent in his pretty coloured football shirt, the football fan starts his journey to oblivion a few hours before the match starts on the television in the pub.
His social (and seemingly compulsory) visit to the pub to just have ‘one before the match’ ends up at five or six before the start. This is then followed by ‘a few’ during the match which, for some magical unexplained reason, makes the television turn into a microphone that ‘hears’ everything and makes him shout to be heard on the pitch.
As the game progresses the shouting becomes louder and louder, especially for fouls and goals which seem to cause orgasms. The fan now wishes sex was as good as this !!
Match over, it is now time to have an autopsy of the game and say where the players went wrong and that the manager is ‘fantastic’ (the winner) or ‘absolute rubbish’ (the looser). Opinions are given and improvements are suggested that the relevant manager should do.
Why don’t the professional managers ever think to employ a spy in the pubs and make their job easier by just listening to the experts? I wonder!
Now the serious drinking begins before the nights clubbing, after the pub kicks out. Nowadays it seems there is a ‘Fans By-law’ that states every good fan must try to drink the pub dry before venturing to the night club to ‘jusht haff one more’ before going home.
To get to the club the fan now leaves planet earth and enters ‘Planet Fan’ where the laws of reason change and new laws are imposed.
The first is to walk down the white line in the road with arms held high and, if available, a scarf or flag held proudly aloft. A form of shout-singing is applied in a monotonous, repetitive phrase that only other fans decipher and join in. This MUST last as long as possible.
About half way to the nightclub the desire to urinate in any available doorway / bus shelter / alley way takes over from the shout-singing and the fan now exposes himself to what he believes is the right place to urinate regardless of who is nearby. Most manage this challenging task but a few end up with wet trousers and shoes. Not to be deterred…..the shout-singing resumes and the walk to the nightclub carries on regardless.
The fan now sees some ‘mates’ across the street and on ‘planet fan’ the greeting ritual must be observed. Trousers and pants are dropped to knee level and the bare bottom is displayed for all to see with loud shouts and laughter then the raising of the trousers exposes the rest of his manhood. This greeting ritual can be carried out as many times as is deemed necessary.
Next comes the ‘cool’ act when the opposite sex are spied.
To the fan, he is now the best thing these girls have ever seen. He is walking tall and with masculine superiority. How can they resist?
To the girls, here comes another staggering, drunken fool who looks like he has just pee’d himself.
The greeting says it all, “Hi ladies,…do you fancy a bit”
Although they will obviously find it hard to resist such a novel chat-up line, the polite rejection is issued.”No thank you”.
Not to be put off with the first refusal the fan has another try and blocks their path.
“Come on girls, lets party the night away together then back to my place”
The girls now have no option but to resort to ‘fan talk’
“F*** Off you repulsive person, I’d rather give birth to a porcupine” is the swift reply.
Feeling spurned, the fan now returns to being a fan.
“F*****g slappers, I wouldn’t s**g you anyway.” (chance would be a fine thing)
The next ritual on ‘planet fan’ is the argument. It matters not who they argue with or even what it is about. It is the act of arguing that counts.
Pick a person, any person and they will do.
“What you looking at?” is a common starting phrase. This small sentence is key to the argument. It is in all the ‘planet fan’ study courses!
There is no suitable answer to this question that the fan can’t use to start his rant. If it is not answered at all then “Don’t you F*****g ignore me” is the instant reply. To the fan this is the best ‘win win’ question of all time.
It is taught at ‘planet fan’ schools from an early age because there just isn’t a way out for the bystander…he is drawn into the argument no matter what. This can now proceed as per ‘planet fan’ law to….The Fight.
From verbal abuse to physical abuse can accelerate at an alarming rate and then the long arm of the law usually intervenes as they have been watching the fan for some time. Even though the argument and fight were all caused by the fan, he can not see what he has done wrong when stopped by the police. This is because the laws of ‘planet fan’ and Earth are somewhat different and it is hard for the fan to tell where he is most of the time. If not arrested for Drunk and Disorderly he is told to go home.
Some actually make it into the club but those refused entry for being too drunk show a remarkable ability to not understand English any more and imply the doorman is talking rubbish. He’s a “F*****g W****r” or a “B*****d” and then they wonder why he won’t let them in.
OK, they can’t go clubbing, so it’s time for the ‘munchie demon’ to take over and lead them to the local kebab house where they purchase the most revolting mix of kebab, chilli sauce, garlic sauce, ‘all the trimmings’ and top it off with tomato ketchup…….yum yum!
With said culinary delight in hand it is now the taxi drivers turn to share the fun evening. The pretty coloured football shirt, now covered in things that germ warfare experts couldn’t explain, approaches the taxi rank with the sole aim of going home as cheap as possible. Never mind the fact that the evening has so far cost a small fortune without a thought to price, the taxi driver must now put up with the same old bartering conversation….but that’s another story.
As a taxi driver, would you like to lessen your hours puting up with this? If so, try internet marketing. It is a big learning curve but worth the work just to get some time away from drunken fares. A neat tool to help is Micro Niche Finder. This cool tool lets you dig deep into Google and find a niche you never thought of…..well worth the money.
Click Here To Make An Old Taxi Driver Happy
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZmDWltBziM&hl=en
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