The last few weeks have been nothing out of the ordinary but here is a sample of the best moments of my evenings … bet you all must be so jealous that I lead such a wonderful life in the course of my work. Who could ask for better?
“Excuse me” the voice said,”Could you take my friend home as she is a bit drunk.”
I looked to see the friend but nobody in sight. “Where is your friend?”
“She’s just sitting around the corner … could you take her to Lan***on Drive for £5?”
“That would cost about £6.50.”
“But she only has £5 left to get home otherwise she will have to walk.”
“At the moment she can’t even walk to the taxi and if she could it would still cost £6.50.”
“That’s a bit unfair … she only has £5.”
“Then she shouldn’t have spent her fare home on drink. If she can’t even walk to the taxi, I’m not interested. Why should I subsidise her getting home? Why don’t you give her the extra £1.50?”
“I’m not paying for her to get home!”
“She’s your friend and you won’t help her but you expect me to help a total stranger get home, by herself, without the proper fare and for me to be responsible for her. Fine friend you are.”
“You rotten Bast**d!”
“Correction …Rotten Bast**d with the taxi she can’t use …. leave her for the road sweeper in the morning … he might help her more than ‘her friend’.”
And away she went … mumbling something about nobody willing to help … I felt sooooooo rotten I lay awake later for almost 2 minutes!!
Standing beside the taxi having a cigarette I was approached by a staggering fool.
“Could you let me have a cigarette?”
“Sorry” said I (puff, puff) “but I don’t smoke” (puff)
“Oh! OK, do you know anyone who does?”
(Puff) “No”
“Some of these drivers must smoke …I’ll try the next cab.”
(Puff) “Never seen anyone smoking as it is now against the law for taxi drivers to smoke.”(puff, puff)
“Oh! I forgot that you all had to stop”
(Puff) “Yep…(puff) none of us smoke any more (puff, puff)
And off he staggered … you have to laugh! Booze does befuddle the brain.
The door opens and in gets a well dressed Gent about mid-fifties.
” Can I go to Fo**oles please?”
I get about 2 hundred yards when he says “Pull over here while I get my wife.”
Looking about I see no one I would place with this Gent so I ask “Where is she?”
With that he points to a lump of drunken humanity lying on the pavement in a large puddle of her own vomit just around the corner. This was once a well dressed human but has evolved into …. ‘The Blob’
“Could you give me a hand to get her into the back seat?”
“You MUST be joking. She is covered in regurgitated kebab and chips mixed with a good helping of booze. She can’t even stand and you think I’m putting her in my taxi?”
With that, he tries to get her to her feet only to slip and sit in her vomit.
“Don’t bother mate … neither of you are getting in now.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”
“Not my problem … you married her. Bye.”
Two boys and a girl. One boy ‘piggy backing’ the girl while the other fools about and takes her shoes. He then proceeds to throw them about until one ends up stuck in a tree.
“You stupid fu*ker” she says politely, “They’re my best fu*king shoes. Now what the fu*k am I going to fu*king wear?” (spoken just like mama taught her).
Enter Super Shoeman (without ‘y-fronts’ on the outside but with jeans below the cheeks of his backside and the crotch about his knees).
“I’ll get it” he shouts (just like the TV advert for binge drinking) and proceeds to run to the base of the tree only to trip base over apex on the little surrounding wall and knocks himself stupid on the tree trunk. That idea was quickly abandoned while he lay recovering and his mates rolled about laughing.
The shoe? Could very well still be up the tree!
Digg it StumbleUpon Facebook Twitter del.icio.us Google Yahoo!
